God is good! I have been hearing myself say this a lot recently. As many of you may know, I was diagnosed with polysystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) when I was 21. I’m almost positive though, that I had PCOS as far back as 17. If your wondering why I’m sharing this random piece of information with you, I will explain that in just a little bit.
Since before I could remember, I have dreamed of being married and surrounded with a half dozen children. “Really, Amanda, 6 children?” Yes, 6 children. I wanted a big family. I always knew being a mom was the way God had designed my heart. So, imagine my disappointment when I was diagnosed with an illness that’s number one symptom is infertility. I was devastated, to say the least.
My biggest symptom is irregular periods (sorry in advance for any men reading this – I wont use too many details). At one time, I had gone 1-2 years without a period. When I was younger I loved it. A break from periods…yes please! When I met my husband and we wanted to start a family, I started taking medication to induce periods. Weird, right? Who would have thought: A women taking medication and hoping for a period. But I did!
Over time I felt a peace. I knew that I would love and serve the Lord even if He never gave me any biological children. I wan’t everyone reading this to understand, loving the Lord no matter what the outcome (having children or not) was easy; however, accepting the fact that I may never be pregnant was not easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I knew that I was blessed to not only have a heart that would love any child, I was married to a man that felt the same way. I read a verse many years ago: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33. During that hard time in my life, I reminded myself that, yes, getting pregnant naturally was going to be difficult, but I served a God that has overcome the world. To go a step further He created the world!
I was placed in the care of a doctor who I love and trust, and as you all know we did get pregnant naturally after being married only four months. What a blessing.
The reason I’m sharing this is because for the past year I have been having some set backs with my PCOS. I finally broke down and saw my doctor who put me on a medication to try fix some of the problems I had been experiencing. That medication only helped for a small period of time. So he decided to run some labs.
My labs indicated that there was something going on with my thyroid. I didn’t find that shocking, as thyroid problems run in my family. The discouraging part was, I also knew that thyroid problems can affect women’s periods (a problem that I was already dealing with).
So I told my husband, family, and three close friends to pray for me. I was trying to not let it get me down, but how could I not? I felt sad that I knew how joyful being pregnant, giving birth, nursing, and taking care of Caleb was; I couldn’t imagine never experiencing that again. I also felt guilt: How could I be upset when so many women want children and can’t have them? I felt selfish. Either way, I was allowed to be upset. If nothing else, because my dream was moving further away from me. I was DISCOURAGED, but not DEFEATED. If you know me, you know its not in my nature to back down.
I went into my doctors to run more labs. Then I waited…and waited.
ALL my labs were normal….all of them! Even my testosterone which hasn’t been at a normal level since I was 18 years old. I almost fell off the chair when the nurse told me that.
My eyes whelmed up with tears as I thought, “God is good.” Why do I have doubt, and let my mind take over?
I’m writing this so people can understand what women go through that suffer with PCOS. I have read endless things on PCOS: Research, blogs, diet plans, you name it. I can easily find information on the symptoms, but not the heart of the women with PCOS. Aside from the physical pain that it causes, the emotional pain can be much worse…for me anyway. Yes, I realize that I got pregnant after only 4 months of trying, and trust me I don’t take that for granted. I understand that for some women they can try for years, or never get pregnant. I know that this disease is typically not something that goes away. I can’t change the cards that I was dealt. The only thing I do have control over is my attitude (most days anyway. Another downside to PCOS – hormone imbalance).
In Isaiah 40:31 we are told, “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” When I’m feeling weak I look to God. When I read too much into the “impossible,” I look at what God made possible. And when I run out of hope, He restores me.
Many people told me how difficult it would be for me to get pregnant, and also to have a full term baby. When people say that something is “impossible” I look at my son. To me, Caleb proves that through God, ALL things are possible.